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Colbert Returns From Self-Imposed Shutdown
After a two-week hiatus, Stephen Colbert greeted his audience the best way he knew how: with a sidelong jab at President Trump. The president is threatening to continue the government shutdown, which began on Dec. 22, for months to come if he does not receive congressional approval for funding a border wall.
“Tonight I am excited to announce that after a 17-day shutdown, I am reopening ‘The Late Show.’ I held my ground, because I kept my promise and built a wall — of mashed potatoes, around my midsection, over the Christmas holidays.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Colbert made fun of Trump for saying on Twitter that the border wall should now be a “barrier” made out of steel, not concrete — in part because it is “less obtrusive.”
“Oh, thank goodness. Last thing you’d want in a border wall is something obtrusive. That’s why they call it the Inconspicuous Wall of China.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
President Trump has taken to using “Game of Thrones” iconography to push for his border wall, and on Saturday he posted an image on Twitter of himself beside the slogan, “The Wall Is Coming.” Colbert had a nit to pick with the appropriation.
“You can’t say, ‘The Wall Is Coming.’ That’s mixing up two different things from the series. There’s the wall, and there’s ‘winter is coming.’ That’s like quoting ‘The Godfather’ by saying, ‘I’m going to make him an offer he can’t cannoli.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Noah Welcomes the Dems
Trevor Noah welcomed House Democrats back into power with a not-that-nostalgic look back at 2011, the last time they held a majority.
“As you probably know by now, Democrats took control of the House of Representatives for the first time in eight years! That’s right, eight years. You realize, the last time the Democrats had this much power in Congress, there were only two ‘Transformer’ movies and Harvey Weinstein only looked like a creep.” — TREVOR NOAH
The Punchiest Punchlines (Bing Edition)
“I read that an Arizona woman is accused of sending a man more than 159,000 texts after they went on one date. When asked why she did it, the woman was like, ‘Why, did he ask about me?’” — JIMMY FALLON
“According to Reuters, Google moved $22.7 billion to Bermuda in 2017 through a Dutch shell company to avoid taxes. While over at Bing, you’re no longer allowed to flush if it’s just pee.” — SETH MEYERS
“The N.Y.P.D. is looking for a man who recently broke into an Apple store and stole $75,000 worth of product. That is crazy — why would anyone need five iPhone cables?” — SETH MEYERS
The Bits Worth Watching
Roy Wood Jr. wants to be angry at R. Kelly, but he can’t stop being “seduced by his music.” So he came up with a strategy, inspired by the Netflix film “Bird Box.”
Introducing: The Matchelor. Yes, Jimmy Kimmel will actually have a new segment in which he goes on dates alongside a former “Bachelor” contestant and “helps” her decide which guys to date.
What We’re Excited About on Tuesday Night
The director Alfonso Cuarón, whose new film “Roma” has caused a stir among critics, will sit down with Jimmy Fallon on Tuesday.