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T.S.A. in Slow Motion
When Jimmy Fallon found out that a legal marijuana vendor is offering free medical cannabis to government workers during the shutdown, he imagined some unintended side effects for travelers.
“A marijuana company is giving out free weed to government workers, which is why a bunch of T.S.A. agents are staring at their security wands like, ‘Dude, I’m Harry Potter!’” — JIMMY FALLON
“Free weed for federal workers, so guess what, travelers: That T.S.A. line can get slower.” — JIMMY FALLON
On “The Daily Show,” Trevor Noah pointed out that the shutdown is affecting aviation-related government employees beyond the T.S.A.
“Without properly staffed air-traffic control, pilots are asking how safe it is to fly. And Spirit Airlines pilots are asking, ‘What’s air-traffic control?’” — TREVOR NOAH
Reports from the White House suggest that Jared Kushner, the president’s aide and son-in-law, is playing an increasingly large role in negotiations around the government shutdown. But Stephen Colbert is not so sure Kushner brings much to the table. And he reminded his audience that Trump already put Kushner in charge of strategy on various other policy issues.
“According to a new report, Kushner has taken over the shutdown talks. Great, so Mideast peace and the opioid epidemic are all wrapped up! No? You’re just the only person he knows? O.K.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“He’s reportedly showing ‘a burst of self-confidence following his help in passing criminal-justice legislation.’ A burst of self-confidence? So, before it was just a squirt of smug arrogance.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Checking In on El Chapo
With the trial now close to wrapping up, Noah said, many juicy revelations have come to the surface — including one about Mexico’s former president, Enrique Peña Nieto, who left office late last year.
“El Chapo might have bribed the ex-Mexican president $100 million. Although, to be fair, the Mexican president has already denied it from the deck of his $101 million yacht.” — TREVOR NOAH
The Punchiest Punchlines (Tony Hawk Edition)
“Pro skateboarder Tony Hawk is launching his own fashion line that will include hoodies, T-shirts, flannels and carpenter pants. It’s great — if you love hearing your wife say, ‘No. Change.’” — SETH MEYERS
“According to a new poll, 60 percent of Americans hold President Trump responsible for the ongoing government shutdown. While others don’t hold him at all.” — SETH MEYERS, showing a picture of Melania Trump
“Michael Cohen feels like his personal safety is being threatened by Trump. That’s the kind of anxiety known only by every other person on the planet.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, referring to Trump’s former lawyer, who has testified against him in the Russia investigation
The Bits Worth Watching
“Bawk bawk bawk, bawk bawk.” (That’s chicken for, “Backstreet’s back, all right.”)
Once Neil Patrick Harris’s name was mentioned, James Corden couldn’t get the reins to his show back.