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‘Your Kentucky-Fried Little Heart’
On Day 26 of the partial government shutdown, Jimmy Kimmel said he might have figured out a way to convince President Trump to abandon his course. He noticed that Trump hadn’t played golf since before the shutdown began. (He last played on Nov. 25, the longest spell without a golf game in his presidency.)
Kimmel presumes that Trump knows it would look bad for him to be out on the course instead of negotiating with Democrats to reopen the government.
“I know it doesn’t mean much to Donald Trump that a bunch of Americans are being forced to work without paychecks,” Kimmel said. “But I know what does matter to you. I know what you care about down to the bottom of your Kentucky-fried little heart. And that is golf.”
Kimmel suggested to the president that he give up on funding a border wall and simply reopen the government so he can hit the links again.
“With one crazy zigzag stroke of your executive Sharpie, you could be back on the greens at Mar-a-Lago, faster than you can say ‘Pocahontas.’ You’ll be right back out there eating club sandwiches and bossing caddies around with the boys. It’s a win-win, for us and for you. The federal employees can go back to work, you can get back to doing what you do best: cheating at golf. It’s good for you, and it’s good for America. We need you out on the golf course as much as possible — to keep from you doing things! So think about it. Let’s play our way out of the rough together.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
Pelosi vs. Trump
Nancy Pelosi, the speaker of the House, asked Trump on Wednesday to either delay or cancel his State of the Union address amid the shutdown. She suggested that he could submit his remarks in writing, rather than delivering them to Congress. Both Stephen Colbert and James Corden saw a problem with that idea.
“Now, pointing out that until Woodrow Wilson was president, presidents didn’t give the State of the Union in person, Pelosi gave Trump the option to deliver it in writing. Really? In writing? Have you seen how this guy spells? He’s just going to tweet, ‘The Stat of our Uniom is … STRANG!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Pelosi did say Trump can submit a written version of his speech, which is pretty strategic on her part. She’s going right for his biggest handicap: spelling.” — JAMES CORDEN
‘Let Me Finish’
Chris Christie announced that he would release a memoir about his experiences in Trump’s inner circle. The title is “Let Me Finish: Trump, the Kushners, Bannon, New Jersey and the Power of In-Your-Face Politics.” Colbert and Seth Meyers both had some fun with that.
“Former New Jersey governor Chris Christie is releasing a memoir later this month titled ‘Let Me Finish.’ Oh, you haven’t seen your approval ratings lately? You’re finished.” — SETH MEYERS
“His book chronicles his time in Trump’s inner circle, and it’s called ‘Let Me Finish.’ And how dare you suggest that the original title was ‘Are You Gonna Finish That?’ Shame on you! Shame on you for thinking that!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (Day 26 Edition)
“Netflix just announced they will be raising subscription prices by up to $2 a month. Yeah, I know, this is awful news for the person whose account you use.” — JAMES CORDEN
“The federal government has been closed for 26 days, and experts say the shutdown could cause the economy to shrink. Then the president said, ‘No, it’s only shrinking cause it’s cold outside.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“The C.E.O. of Delta said the shutdown has already cost the airline $25 million. He’s not that worried, because they’ll make it all back if two people pay to check their bags.” — JIMMY FALLON
The Bits Worth Watching
Baker Mayfield of the Cleveland Browns is a sensational young quarterback. But surely you’ve been wondering whether he’s also good at identifying objects by nuzzling them. Fear not, here’s your chance to find out.
Jimmy Fallon is known for playing games on his show. But they’re not usually like this.
What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night
Roy Wood Jr., a correspondent on “The Daily Show,” will decamp to Fallon’s show, where he’ll be a guest on Thursday.
Also, Check This Out
Another “Daily Show” correspondent, Jaboukie Young-White, has caught the attention of our critic: He’s a young comic with a veteran’s talents, Jason Zinoman writes.