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‘Money That Has Been Earmarked for Real Emergencies’
President Trump indicated on Thursday that he is considering declaring a national emergency if Congress doesn’t deliver funding for a border wall. Jimmy Kimmel questioned whether it made any sense to spend money primarily meant for confronting natural disasters on a wall.
“He’s making plans now to declare a national emergency on the border. The idea, I guess, is to declare an emergency and then take money that has been earmarked for real emergencies, like floods and hurricanes, and use it for a wall that won’t do anything instead. Sometimes I’m kind of amazed he only bankrupted three casinos.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
Trump often tells horror stories about what happens at the border, and he’s recently made two allegations that caught reporters’ attention: that women are often tied up with duct tape by Mexican smugglers, and that Muslim prayer mats have been found strewn at the border. Kimmel pointed out that these claims have something notable in common — and it’s not just that they’re unsubstantiated.
“The White House looked into this and found no evidence to back up the president. It’s a bad sign when even the White House is like, ‘We have no idea what he’s talking about either.’ And even nuttier, someone figured this out: The prayer mats and duct tape, these were all plot points from the movie ‘Sicario.’ So, it’s a good thing the president hasn’t seen ‘Star Wars,’ because he’d probably be asking for money to build the Death Star.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
Trump sent a snappish tweet on Thursday arguing that people should “stop playing political games” by using terms other than “wall” to describe the proposed barrier. Seth Meyers reminded Trump that he himself is the one who has used alternate words, even going so far as to say the wall could be called “peaches.”
“Hey — you were the guy who wanted to call it slats! This is like Diddy tweeting out, ‘My name is “Sean Combs,” damn it!’” — SETH MEYERS
‘How Cold Is It?’
With temperatures far below freezing in New York, Jimmy Fallon told a few jokes about the daunting weather.
“It was freezing cold in New York City today, with a wind chill that was down to negative 17. Even crazier, that’s still higher than Trump’s approval rating.” — JIMMY FALLON
“Yesterday a bunch of colleges were closed. This morning it was so cold, students were doing the run of shame.” — JIMMY FALLON
Then he got the audience going in a game of “How cold is it?”
“It is so cold, earlier today the Empire State Building shrunk 50 floors.” — JIMMY FALLON
“It is so cold, Trump is actually enjoying being burned by Nancy Pelosi.” — JIMMY FALLON
The Punchiest Punchlines (Pets Edition)
“A new study suggests that a parasite found in cat pee can be linked to schizophrenia. Finally, a reason to stop drinking cat pee!” — SETH MEYERS
“A man in Japan recently claimed to have dated a cockroach for over a year that he named Lisa. The man said Lisa really hit it off with his friends and family, especially his ant.” — SETH MEYERS
“The president beat the cold this morning by tweeting so much his phone began to act as a space heater. He tweeted 11 times before 10 a.m. this morning.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
The Bits Worth Watching
On “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” Kimmel’s sidekick Guillermo gave Bill Belichick — the Patriots’ coach, known for wearing arms-free hoodies — a custom-made poncho.
Fallon impersonated Howard Schultz after a nationwide listening tour: “Just like a true Starbucks barista, I didn’t hear the words properly. To me, it sounded like, ‘That’s a great idea, you should really run for president.’”