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‘We’re Supposed to Care’
Stephen Colbert admitted that he’s happy to see President Trump and Congress apparently nearing a border security deal, which would help avert a government shutdown. But he said that he wished he could press reset on the political conversation.
“We’re supposed to care whether Trump won and Nancy lost, or Trump caved and Nancy’s dancing in the end zone,” he said. “But nothing — nothing — that has happened in government in 2019 has affected anyone. Where’s the infrastructure bill? Where’s the immigration bill? Where’s the fix on health care? We are celebrating — or supposed to be celebrating — that they’re close to a deal to achieve the absolute minimum: having a government!”
Colbert pointed to reports that preparations for a possible border wall have already damaged butterfly habitats in Texas. He argued that Trump ought to have more sympathy for the insects.
“After all, he’s got a lot in common with butterflies. They’re both fragile creatures with bright, iridescent coloring and paper-thin skin. It’s just that Trump has never left the larval stage.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Colbert also tweaked Democrats after he showed a clip of Representative Nita Lowey insisting that lawmakers had agreed to fund a partial “barrier,” but not a “wall.”
“Oh, not a wall, a barrier! A clinching legal argument first made in the landmark case Potato v. Potato.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Jimmy Kimmel isn’t so excited about the recent news that a sequel to the film “Frozen” will come out in the fall.
“Just when the ‘Baby Shark’ song’s finally starting to get out of our heads, there’s a new batch of ‘Frozen’ songs on the way. For those who don’t have kids, ‘Frozen’ is a street-legal drug for children that’s 10 times as addictive as ‘Paw Patrol’ and gummy worms combined. In this one, Disney will finally answer the question, ‘What if we made a bunch of money again?’” — JIMMY KIMMEL
Schultz’s Town Hall
Trevor Noah is not at all excited about Howard Schultz’s middle-of-the-road potential candidacy. He criticized Schultz, the former chief executive of Starbucks, for saying during a CNN town hall that he doesn’t “see race.”
“It would be, like, ‘How are you going to solve black unemployment?’ And this guy would be like, ‘What do you mean black unemployment? All I see is staggering unemployment among people named Jamal. Anyway, it’s February, so happy History Month!’” — TREVOR NOAH
The Punchiest Punchlines (Airport-Romance Edition)
“Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. St. Valentine, of course, was the patron saint of seasonal marketing.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Tomorrow, Auntie Anne’s is offering a special on heart-shaped pretzels. It’s a great deal for all you hopeless romantics taking your dates to La Guardia.” — JIMMY FALLON
The Bits Worth Watching
Samantha Bee went to bat for the ambitious Green New Deal plan that Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez unveiled this month.
On “Conan,” the Kay Jewelers Tinder Collection featured such bejeweled inscriptions as “Please Don’t Murder Me” and “What’s Your Last Name?”
What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night
Bradley Cooper, the director and star of “A Star Is Born,” will be on “The Late Show” on Thursday. With the Oscars just 10 days away, anticipation will probably hang in the air.