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Convicting El Chapo
Trevor Noah celebrated the court conviction of Joaquín Guzmán Loera, the Mexican drug kingpin known as El Chapo, but wondered about the safety of the jurors who handed down the verdict.
Noah quoted from a Fox News report saying that the jury had spent 34 hours deliberating.
“I liked that part where they said 34 hours of deliberations. No, it was five minutes of deliberations, and 33 hours and 55 minutes of booking flights out of the country, getting their names changed and scheduling plastic surgery.” — TREVOR NOAH
“They’re always going to find Mexican drug lord El Chapo guilty. He’s Mexican drug lord El Chapo. That’s like asking, ‘What does Chance the Rapper do for a living?’ He raps. It’s right there in his name.” — TREVOR NOAH
Noah poked fun at President Trump for promoting a touched-up version of a campaign mantra during a speech in El Paso on Tuesday. When the crowd chanted, “Build the wall,” the president admonished: “You really mean ‘Finish that wall,’ because we’ve built a lot of it.” Noah was not convinced.
“They’ve built a lot of it? Wait, what? So now we’re doing ‘Finish the Wall’? I don’t know how much actual work they’re doing on the border, but I guess in Trump’s chant world they’re making a lot of progress. Yeah. ‘Build the Wall! Finish the Wall! Cool, We Built the Wall! Build Another Wall! On Top of the Old Wall! Double-Decker Wall!’” — TREVOR NOAH
Hannity and Coulter, Trump Whisperers
Jimmy Kimmel suggested that to figure out whether Mr. Trump will approve a bipartisan border-security deal, he would look to Fox News.
“Republicans and Democrats last night did the unthinkable and reached a deal to keep the government open. Now it’s up to Sean Hannity and Ann Coulter to decide if the president will sign it.” — JIMMY KIMMEL
The Punchiest Punchlines (Coachella Edition)
“If there weren’t enough embarrassing stories coming out of Virginia, a man there was arrested for projecting porn onto his garage door. I guess he thought it was too on-the-nose to project it onto the tool shed.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Amazon announced today it will launch a dedicated Coachella Music Festival page on its site, where customers can shop for festival needs. That story again: Amazon sells drugs now.” — SETH MEYERS
The Bits Worth Watching
Conan O’Brien announced that he’s going to Australia next week — and it’s at least partly because he’s scared of Hugh Jackman.
James Corden’s game Flinch is good, clean, cruel fun. His victims this time are the actresses Priyanka Chopra Jonas and Rebel Wilson.
What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night
Noah and Colbert will chat on “The Late Show” on Wednesday.