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Let’s Talk About the Weather
With the grueling government shutdown behind us — for now — late-night hosts have let up on their political focus, and are preoccupied instead with the frigid weather pummeling much of the country.
Jimmy Fallon imagined Midwesterners refusing to lose their cool in response to the nasty weather — but Conan O’Brien said he wouldn’t expect Midwestern nice when temperatures are exceeding minus 50 degrees Fahrenheit.
“Today the polar vortex brought the coldest temperatures in 20 years to parts of the Midwest. Midwesterners were so upset, they almost started cursing. ‘Gosh darn it! It’s flipping freezing!’” — JIMMY FALLON
“To save energy, people in Minnesota have been asked not to heat their homes above 60 degrees. Yeah, people in Minnesota replied, [expletive] you.” — CONAN O’BRIEN
“This weather is messing up everything. Amtrak is canceling services in some areas. Yeah, in other words, Amtrak is not affected.” — CONAN O’BRIEN
“Railroad tracks in Chicago were set on fire today in order to keep trains running smoothly — while in New York, we have no idea why our train tracks are on fire.” — SETH MEYERS
Trevor Noah looked back at a tweet that President Trump sent on Monday suggesting that the polar vortex had nothing to do with global warming (or “waming,” as Trump put it).
“According to the president, a cold snap is proof that ‘global waming’ isn’t real. Trump never stops. Even the coldest day of the year, the rest of us are having a brain freeze and he’s like, ‘Nothin’ to freeze here! Firing on all cylinders.’” — TREVOR NOAH
And Noah wondered why weather reporters seem obligated to venture out into the dangerous weather they’re warning us to avoid.
“Seriously, I never get why reporters have to go into the bad weather to warn us about it. Like, just tell us from the studio, we’ll believe you. If you’re sitting at the desk and you tell me it’s cold, I’m not sitting at home like, ‘Is it, though? Let me see your nipples.’ They don’t do this for any other type of story. They’re never like, ‘Earlier today, a man was shot in the leg, and it looked like this!’ [pantomimes shooting himself] ‘Ahh!’”
‘Formula for Failure’
Members of Congress have been meeting to negotiate a long-term deal to keep the government open, but Trump has largely stayed on the sidelines. Stephen Colbert pointed out that that might be by design.
“It’s no surprise that Chuck Schumer didn’t want Trump involved, saying of the president, ‘When he mixes in, it’s a formula for failure.’ Coincidentally, ‘Formula for Failure’ was also the slogan for Trump University.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Punchiest Punchlines (Batty Edition)
“The Super Bowl is this Sunday, and on game day a marijuana dispensary in Oregon is delivering pizza and weed. When they heard that, every Domino’s delivery guy was like, ‘Oh, please, we’ve been doing that for years.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“Senator Kamala Harris said this week that as part of her presidential platform she would advocate for a single-payer health care system. It would replace our current system of taking Flintstones vitamins and hoping for the best.” — SETH MEYERS
“A university in Louisiana has temporarily closed one of its buildings after thousands of bats began living inside. It’s the most bats ever found living in one place since Rudy Giuliani’s last brain scan.” — SETH MEYERS
The Bits Worth Watching
“The Late Show” produced a mock Super Bowl ad “that is going all-in on emotional manipulation.”
O’Brien visited the Sam Adams brewery in Boston, and came up with an idea for an Abraham Lincoln vape pen.
What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night
Seth Meyers will pop over to Fallon’s studio on Thursday for an appearance on “The Tonight Show.” On Meyers’s own show, he’ll speak with the liberal filmmaker and author Michael Moore.